Coffee Break
by SaturnOolaa
Summary: Sakura gets eaten by a lobster, Meiling pops up from anime-land, Syaoran develops a new crush... Strange? Yes. Bizzare? Totally? Funny? Hopefully, anyway... NON-S+S. And if you don't review we call out Evil Tomoyo on you.
1. Sakura Gets Eaten By a Lobster

Disclaimer: Well...  
AN: This fic came to me in a dream. Really, it did. The more normal parts, anyway... This *will* be a series and will be written whenever I feel like it. It will feature many cameos from other anime/manga, mostly Clamp, and will not be S+S because I'm using the couples from the dream. Believe me. I'm normally absolutely religious about CCS cannon. It's a manga based fanfic, but Meiling appears in it anyway. And the title was picked at random. That's about it, so sit back and enjoy the extreme weirdness.   
  
COFFEE BREAK  
CHAPTER ONE: SAKURA GETS EATEN BY A LOBSTER  
  
It was a bright and sunny day in Tomoeda. The grass was green, the sky was blue, and the cherry trees were pink. Kinomoto Sakura had just been eaten by a giant lobster.   
  
It would have been a shark, but we're on a low budget. Oh well.  
  
Tomoyo gasped. Syaoran growled. Kero-chan yelled. Eriol raised an eyebrow. The lobster looked rather sheepish, and even managed a blush. Meiling did not do anything, because this was a manga-based fic and thus she did not exist. But the author likes Meiling, so she appeared.  
  
Meiling looked around. Being fairly observant, she noticed that-  
(a) Everything was in shades of grey,  
(b) There were little white flecks everywhere, and,  
(c) The people around here appeared to be much better-drawn than she was used to.  
  
"I'm in the manga." she stated. "Hoeee."  
  
"Hey!" yelled a voice from inside the lobster. "That's my line! No fair! Just because I'm inside this lobster doesn't mean I can't- who are you, anyway?" There was a great deal of kicking from the inside of the crustacean, who burped.  
  
"Oh, good... she's alive." Eriol smiled in that nice, mildly evil way he has, and jumped down the lobster's throat. Instantly the much-abused sea creature was transported back to where it came from. This was the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  
  
Damn.  
  
***  
  
Kinomoto Sakura gave a last half-hearted kick at the inside of the lobster's stomach. It was dark, it was scary, and she didn't have her Sakura Cards. Could things get any worse?  
  
They did. A ghost landed on her lap.  
  
"HOEEEEEE!!" she screamed, kicking at aforementioned ghost. "GHOST! GET OFF ME! GO AWAY! HOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."  
  
Eriol produced a small globe of light from his palm and smiled at her. "You're strong, Sakura-san."  
  
"Oh!" Sakura blushed. "Eriol-kun! I'm so sorry I kicked you, I thought you were a ghost, and..." the blush deepened, "would you please get off me?"  
  
"Hm...." Eriol pondered. "Well, there's not that much room inside this lobster, and this is very comfortable..." Seeing Sakura frown, he gave another mildly evil smile and moved to the other side of the lobster stomach.  
  
Sakura looked worried. "Eriol-kun, can't you just use magic to get us out of here?"  
  
Eriol shook his head. "You gave the teleportation magic to Fujitaka-san. I don't have anything else that would help us out of here and back to Tomoeda. And you don't have the Sakura Cards, which means that we're effectively stranded in this lobster."  
  
"Oh great." muttered Sakura. "Even the ghosts would be better than this. We're in the middle of the ocean, and we can't get away! I'm supposed to be the world's most powerful sorceress and I can't handle a stupid second-rate plot device?" She turned chibi and burst into loud, wet tears in that way only Clamp characters can manage.   
  
Eriol handed her a tissue. "It's okay. We'll find a way out of this somehow, Sakura-san..."  
  
Sakura blew her nose loudly and threw the tissue up the intestine of the lobster. "Thanks. But... I don't see how we can! Things just couldn't get any worse!"  
  
Sakura had never heard of Murphy's Law, and therefore would not have understood why at that very moment the lobster got swallowed by a giant shark.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, back in Tomoeda, things were going to hell in a handbasket.  
  
"Sakura-chan..." whispered Tomoyo. "She's gone... I can't believe it! Who else will wear my costumes? Who else will I videotape?" She broke down into tears, wailing like the end of the world was nigh.  
  
"It is." said various random X characters.  
  
Tomoyo continued crying, and then started to laugh hysterically. And if anyone can imagine Iwao Junko laughing hysterically, they're either insane or a big Perfect Blue junkie.  
  
Kero-chan, Syaoran, and Meiling stared as Tomoyo continued to cackle. "At last..." she whispered evilly. "At last, the brat is gone... Now I can finally achieve my plots of... WORLD DOMINATION! But I need an accomplice. Someone young, someone innocent, someone totally cute..." Her gaze fell on one very disturbed Meiling Li.  
  
Evil Tomoyo got up and walked over to Meiling. However, technically, 'walked' is not quite the right word for how she moved. She seduced over to Meiling.  
  
"What's your name?" she purred, running a pale hand through Meiling's hair.   
  
The Chinese girl shivered in fear. "M- meiling desu!" she stuttered, backing away from the slowly advancing Evil Tomoyo.  
  
"Meiling-chan..." whispered Evil Tomoyo. "Would you like to help me take over the world?" Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed her by the hand, pulled her into a conveniently appearating limousine, and roared off towards her secret fortress in Wonderland.   
  
Kero-chan and Syaoran watched them go. "That was strange." said Kero-chan, scratching his head. "Did Tomoyo know how to drive?"  
  
"I don't think so." said Syaoran, shaking his head. "Today is getting waaaay too surreal..."  
  
"Yeah." agreed Kero-chan. "Hey, you wanna go buy me some cake?"  
  
"In your dreams... I'm broke, anyway." Syaoran sighed. "Mother won't send me my support checks until I come back home for a visit... I need a part-time job."  
  
"Oi!" yelled a male voice from down the street. "Where's Sakura?!"  
  
Syaoran, hearing aforementioned male voice, turned bright red and melted into a pile of blushing goop. The Syaoran-goop slid behind a tree as the figure approached...  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Will Sakura and Eriol get out of the lobster-inside-the-shark? Will Evil Tomoyo take over the world? And who is the mysterious figure? Tune in next time for another chapter of 'Coffee Break'! 


	2. Sya-chan the Shoujo Manga Heroine

Disclaimer: I've decided to claim full rights to a particular couple in this fic, seeing as I'm definately the first one ever to write about it. ^_^ Other than that...  
AN: Ohhhhh damn. This fic has taken a nosedive quality-wise, hopefully for this chapter only. Dammit. -_-;; Like I've said before, this isn't S+S; this is the chapter that starts to be blantantly obvious on at least one side. ^_^ On another note... Evil Tomoyo wasn't meant to turn out so bizzare, but she's ooc in that amusing sort of way. Oh well, sit back and enjoy as well as possible considering this isn't anything good...  
  
COFFEE BREAK  
CHAPTER TWO: SYA-CHAN THE SHOUJO MANGA HERIONE  
  
(In the pilot chapter of Coffee Break: Sakura and Eriol got eaten by a lobster who got eaten by a shark, Evil Tomoyo ran off with Meiling to take over the world, and Syaoran melted at the sound of an unknown voice. What will happen now...? Cue dramatic music, please...)  
  
The mysterious figure happened to be one Kinomoto Touya, who flopped down on the curb next to Kero-chan. "Where's Sakura?" he asked, looking around. "I figured she'd be with you people, but..."  
  
Our fluffy friend, happily oblivious to the general impending doom, shrugged his shoulders. "Uhhhhh... Well, she sorta got swallowed by a big lobster. And then Eriol jumped in after her, and it disapeared, and I think Tomoyo went evil and kidnapped this girl who appeared out of nowhere, and..." He heaved a sigh. "It's been a pretty weird half-hour, that's for sure."  
  
Touya stared at him, eyebrow twitching. For reasons known to the general populace, he heard only the first part. "She's alone... with... that guy..." he managed, striking fear into the hearts of small children and animals everywhere.   
  
If Kero-chan had been looking, he would have seen dangerously sharp fangs growing in Touya's mouth. But he wasn't, so he nodded and sealed certain death and mass property destruction for at least half of Tomoeda.  
  
Touya turned purple with rage, grabbing Kero-chan and throttling him. "WHO LET HIM GET NEAR HER?!?!?" he thundered, shaking the poor seal beast into paralysis. "IT WAS THE GAKI, WASN'T IT?!? I'M GONNA KILL THAT KID!!!!"   
  
He actually said a great deal more, but we're trying to keep this a milder rating.  
  
Kero-chan, fearing for his life, nodded. Nobody had ever told him about Touya's sister complex. He was now paying dearly for it.  
  
Touya put down Kero-chan and, having exhausted his voice for the moment, only growled. This was bad enough in itself. Muttering to himself about torture implements, he noticed a small blushing puddle near one of the sakura trees lining the street. He poked it with his foot.  
  
"What is this stuff, anyway?" he yelled at Kero-chan.  
  
Kero-chan, who didn't hate Syaoran enough to tell Touya he was stepping on an infatuated bit of him, remained silent. Touya shrugged and went off to look for the Chinese boy in a way perfected by King Kong and Gojira.  
  
As soon as the exceedingly-tall-to-a-stuffed-animal and Very Pissed Off boy had faded from view, Syaoran reformed and walked slowly back to where Kero-chan floated being very disturbed.   
  
The yellow thing heaved a releived sigh. "That was scary, huh?"  
  
Syaoran didn't answer, mainly because he didn't hear. His world at the moment consisted of himself, various pastel-coloured roses and bubbles, and visions of Touya.  
  
"He touched me..." whispered the boy, still doing a tomato impression. He cluched his hands to his chest and looked to all the world like a sappy shoujo manga herione. A very flat one, anyway, but that never stopped Miaka/Usagi/Insert-name-here.  
  
Kero-chan blinked, raised an eyebrow, and promptly drowned in his own sweatdrop.  
  
***  
  
Sakura scrambled up through the lobster's mouth and into the shark, followed closely by Eriol. She looked around in shock. "Okay. So where are we supposed to be again?"  
  
"The stomach of a very large shark, in the middle of the Pacific." replied Eriol automatically. "And it seems to be a storage room..."  
  
The two were sitting next to the lobster in the middle of a large warehouse. On one side of the room was a collection of filing cabinets and various storage objects. On the other were rows of chutes with signs attached. Hundreds of workers were shuffling from one side to the other, dumping various artifacts into the tubes and then going back for others.  
  
"Hello." said a voice from behind them. The confused pair turned around to see an unextrordinary man looking roughly the age of Sakura's father.   
  
Sakura smiled nervously. "Hi. Anooo... Eriol-kun and I got swallowed, and... we really have no idea where we are, or who you are, or anything, and..." She sweatdropped. "I'm rambling, aren't I?"  
  
Eriol nodded, smiling plesantly. "It's okay, Sakura-san."  
  
The man's eyes opened wide. "Your name is Sakura? Kinomoto Sakura?"   
  
Sakura nodded.  
  
"Really?" asked the man. "I'm Daidouji Shun, and my wife Sonomi is obsessed with you! Our Tomoyo-chan too, of course, but she's not married, and it's just not healthy for a married woman to be that infatuated with you just because you look like her cousin, but when I told her than she took out a mallet and somehow whacked me all the way here!"  
  
"He's rambling, isn't he?" whispered Sakura to Eriol. "Where is here, exactly?" she asked a great deal louder to Daidouji-san.  
  
"Oh! Yes. That's right..." said Tomoyo's father. "You wouldn't know. This is Hammerspace."  
  
"Hammerspace?" asked Sakura in confusion.   
  
Daidouji-san sweatdropped. "Of course not. Forgive me, Sakura-chan, I'll try to explain this... It's officially called the Department Of Anime And Manga Storage Space, but someone nicknamed it 'Hammerspace' and it stuck. It's used for keeping the essentials for anime and manga characters. You've heard of Piffle Princess, I'm sure?"  
  
Sakura nodded. "I visited one of their malls once. I like the stuffed bunnies."  
  
"They are cute, aren't they?" remarked Eriol. "I'll buy you one when we get back to Tomoeda, Sakura-san."  
  
The young girl managed a "Thank you" and blushed.  
  
"Ahem." Daidouji-san frowned. "Anyway, as I was saying, Piffle Princess supplies all characters with their needs. Mallets, cat-ears, pencils, and of course the famous Chibiezer Beams. Those chutes take the materials to their owners."  
  
"But... why can't they just keep them with them, instead of relying on Piffle Princess?" asked Sakura. "I mean, it would be easier to just-"  
  
Sakura could have cleared up something that anime fans have been wondering for years, if at that moment an earthquake had not started in the warehouse. Immediately every chance this fic had for normalacy went to hell.  
  
"SHIT!" yelled a passing worker. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" Every other seemed to echo the statement, running absolutely nowhere as fast as they could. Even Eriol looked worried.  
  
"What is it?" asked Sakura. "What's wrong?"  
  
Daidouji-san shuddered, fear burning in his eyes. "It's a tentacle monster." he whispered.  
  
***  
  
Nakuru was bored out of her mind. His mind. It's mind. For the sake of our sanity, let's use female pronouns. Anyway, Nakuru was bored out of her mind. And when Nakuru gets bored, things get scary.  
  
She'd decided to force-feed Suppi-chan some candy, but Eriol had forseen this and locked it in a cupboard. She'd already read the latest Nakayoshi, and the only other books she could find were Eriol's "stupid boring pointless books with no PICTURES!"  
  
So she decided to go out to a karaoke bar. And I will give you a moment to ponder the implications of that.  
  
***  
  
Evil Tomoyo sat at a computer console, typing furiously. "Oh, Bill-san." she muttered to herself, typing the words as she spoke them. "You make me so- Nee, Meiling-chan, be a dear and look up 'horny' in the thesaurus? I've used it five times already."   
  
Meiling- chained, handcuffed, and dressed in very scarce amounts of clothing- shuddered. "What are you doing, anway?" she asked. "Or do I want to know?"  
  
"I'm seducing Bill Gates." replied the evil one. "Once I have the master of the Western world on my side, I can complete my plans to rule the world and create my utopia! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA- Meiling-chan, pass me my cough drops- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
'Meiling-chan' shuddered yet again, tossing the required item at her. "And... if I may ask, what exactly is your utopia?"  
  
Evil Tomoyo started to type again. "My utopia..." she repeated, downing her cough drops. "I haven't really thought that far ahead yet... sultry lesbian sex-slaves for all, I suppose."  
  
One thought burnt a path through Meiling's head: she had to get away from the clutches of this tyrant. "Just don't scorch my hair..." she muttered, pulling down yet again on the skirt that seemed all of three inches.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Will Meiling find a way out of Evil Tomoyo's clutches? Will Eriol and Sakura manage to keep their own against a tentacle monster? Will Nakuru sing? Syaoran and TOUYA!?! Tune in for the next (somewhat scary) chapter of 'Coffee Break'!  



	3. Oddity Runs Rampant

Disclaimer: I guess Tomoyo's dad counts as mine now, huh?  
AN: Sorry this took so long... I'm alternating writing this with writing chapters of my original anime, Shadow Mirror. What plug? No plugging here... On a totally different note, I think the only person in this fic who is totally in character is Nakuru, and that's because it doesn't seem odd to me that she would be called a practical stranger 'Sya-chan'. The song she sings is your typical hyper J-pop fare. It's called 'Happy Summer Wedding' (o_O) and it's by Morning Musume. This chapter also contains a very blantant Spaceballs parody scene for the fun of it. ^_^;;  
  
COFFEE BREAK  
CHAPTER THREE: ODDITY RUNS RAMPANT  
  
(Last Chaper: Syaoran's love for Touya became obvious, Nakuru decided to sing, Evil Tomoyo put step one of her master plan into action, and Sakura and Eriol ended up in Hammerspace, where they met Daidouji Shun and were attacked by a tentacle monster.)  
  
Nakuru skipped cheerfully down the street, humming to herself as she searched for a karaoke bar. It was a beautiful day and she was enjoying herself. Of course, she usually was anyway, but it was still a beautiful day. Moving on.  
  
"Hasta be one here somewhere..." she said, looking at the nearby stores. Which is why she didn't notice where she was going and bumped into one Mizuki Kaho.  
  
"Kaho-san!" she exclaimed, grinning and hugging her. "I thought you were in England right now! Glad you're here!"  
  
The woman kindly but firmly shoved Nakuru off her person and smiled back. "Hello, Nakuru. I was looking for Eriol, and Tomoeda seemed logical... do you know where he is right now? It's been so long since I've seen him."  
  
Nakuru blinked in confusion. "Actually... Now that you mention it, I don't. He was with Sakura-chan a few hours ago, but he should have been back by now. I only left the house five minutes ago. Maybe he and Sakura-chan wanted to stay and keep on doing whatever they were doing?"  
  
The look in Kaho's eyes was something that Nakuru recognised from her many shoujo manga. It was a look that people used to mean 'That slut better get her grubby hands the hell off my man', and was usually acompanied by bitchfights and extreme amounts of pain for bystanders. Nakuru hadn't been aware that Kaho was so... possessive.  
  
She snapped back to reality as the schoolteacher's murderous look faded. "Well, Nakuru, could I just wait with you until Eriol comes back?"  
  
"Sure!" yelled the girl. Guy. Magical being. "I'm looking for the karaoke bar, and if you come too then we can both sing! Yaaaaay!" Nakuru was trying to forget what she had just thought be being especially genki. Not that it was any different from how she normally acted.  
  
"Sounds like fun..." replied Mizuki-sensei politely. "I think I'll come, but I can only stay until my meeting starts. Is that okay?"  
  
"Sure!" giggled Nakuru, pointedly not asking the obvious question. "Let's go! I know you have a horrible sense of direction, but between the two of us we'll find our way..."  
  
***  
  
"Aa, 'tousan 'kaasan..." sung Nakuru happily, giggling and clutching the microphone like it was her last link to sanity. "Aa, kansha shitemasu..."  
  
It's not that Nakuru was a bad singer. She was just a very... original... one. She could hit notes that no person in their right mind would dream of, and so she did. Painfully often. But overall, she was a fairly good singer. Really she was.  
  
These were the thoughts running through Kaho's mind as she watched the interesting preformance. Until Kero-chan and Syaoran walked through the door, thus setting her off on an entirely different train of thought.   
  
"Oi!" yelled Kero-chan, waving a fluffy yellow arm. "Mizuki-san! Nice to see ya!" Semi-dragging Syaoran over to where the woman was sitting, Kero-chan sat on the table and pushed Syaoran into a chair.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" asked Kaho, looking at Syaoran. He seemed out of it to the point where drugs must have been involved.  
  
Kero-chan sweatdropped. "Well, y'see... It's this really weird thing... Whenever he sees that guy, or hears his name, or anything, he goes all... dreamy and stuff..."  
  
"What guy?"  
  
"Sakura's older brother."  
  
"What, you mean-"  
  
"DON'T SAY THE NAME!"  
  
"-Touya?"  
  
A blush spread across the face of the Chinese boy, who sighed happily as the world around him turned into flowers and bubbles. Sappy violin music drifted through the air. Everything was glowing pink, little rosebushes were crawling up the chairs and bursting into full bloom- you get the picture.  
  
Nakuru stopped singing as the strings rendition of 'Eyes on Me' drowned out her karaoke. She looked down from the stage to see one very infatuated Syaoran Li.  
  
"Kawaii Kawaii!" she squealed, jumping down and running to poke at him in typical hyperactive fashion. "Who's Sya-chan in love with?"  
  
"Uh..." muttered Kero-chan. "I don't think he's in love, ya know..."  
  
Nakuru shook her head vehemently. "Of course he is! You see this sort of thing allll the time in shoujo manga!"  
  
"We're not in a shoujo manga." replied Kero-chan. The author kindly chose not to point out the obvious irony in this statement.  
  
"But still..." Nakuru whined. "It looks like love to me!"  
  
"Actually, I agree with you." said Kaho. "He's in a state only caused by either true love or thoughts of it. Sakura-chan refers to it as 'hanyaan'."  
  
"Hanyaan?"  
  
"Hanyaan."  
  
"How'd she come up with that?"  
  
"Probably the same way she got into the habit of saying 'hoe'."  
  
"Ah."  
  
***  
  
Evil Tomoyo grinned, knocking Touya to the ground. "You can't stop me from killing Sakura-chan! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Syaoran charged at her, sword in hand. "How dare you hurt my friends!"  
  
Evil Tomoyo, with unusual strength for an upper-class primary schoolgirl, tossed Syaoran around above her head before throwing him into the pile that now consisted of Touya plus half of Tomoeda.  
  
Millions of Sakura in various frilly costumes rose to attack her with the Clow Cards, and Evil Tomoyo defeated them all. She was having the time of her life.  
  
Meiling cowered helplessly in a corner. "You... you monster!" she whimpered.  
  
"Yes..." breathed Evil Tomoyo, stalking towards her with whips and chains in hand. "I'm a monster, am I...?"  
  
Meiling said nothing, just cowered in a way vaguely remenicent of lolicon doujinshi. Evil Tomoyo continued her advance, seducing up to Meiling and-  
  
For the sake of the readers, (and to keep our rating) the following actions will not be described.  
  
"NO! NO! STOP! EEEEEK! And yet... I find you strangely attractive..."  
  
"It's the inherent anime lesbian charm, Meiling-chan. It gets 'em every time."  
  
The aforementioned Chinese girl walked into the room, carrying a large serving platter heaped with Pocky. "Dinner is ready..."  
  
Evil Tomoyo frightenedly cluched the Cardcaptor Sakura Heavy-Duty Action Figures Featuring All Your Favorite Characters (courtesy of Piffle Princess) to her chest. "Meiling-chan, you didn't see anything! Right? You didn't see!"  
  
Meiling heaved a long-suffering sigh. "No, Tomoyo-sama. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again."  
  
"That's *Evil* Tomoyo-sama, Meiling-chan."  
  
***  
  
"Roar." said the tentacle monster. "I'm bored and have nothing better to do with my time than tentecle various Japanese women and girls, despite the fact that they are not of my species and thus should not be attracting me in the first place. Fear me."  
  
Half the female workers fainted, and Sakura gulped and turned green.  
  
"Don't worry, Sakura-san." said Eriol, shielding her protectively. "Daidouji-san and I will make sure it can't hurt you or anyone else."  
  
Shun nodded.   
  
"What's that thing?" asked Sakura, in a display of clulessness that could only be preformed by a shoujo manga heroine.  
  
Eriol sweatdropped, despite the fact that Eriol would probably not sweatdrop even if the Tokyo Tower landed on his head and the magic knights popped out of it to say hi. "Well... I'll tell you when you're older, okay?"  
  
Sakura shrugged and nodded. "Alright, I guess. Anyway... what are we gonna do now, Eriol-kun? I don't think it came here for cake and tea..."  
  
Eriol's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to fight it."  
  
"No! You can't!" said Sakura worriedly. "You'll get hurt! I know you're strong, but... that thing's huge! And mean! And... I don't want you to get injured..."  
  
Eriol smiled mildly evilly at her, before running off towards the monster. "Don't worry about me, Sakura-san. I can't die. The author loves me."  
  
"No, she doesn't!" called a rather squeaky and booming voice from the general direction of the sky. "You're a freak, and the cause of all those dubbie E+T fics!"  
  
Shun slapped his forehead and groaned. "Self insertation. Now I *know* we're screwed."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
What will happen to Syaoran in his 'hanyaan' state? What is Kaho's meeting? Will Eriol defeat the tentacle monster? Will Meiling manage to remain a virgin in the face of extreme anime lesbian charm? Hopefully. Lolicon is *so* not my thing. Keep waiting for the next chapter of Coffee Break! 


	4. Evil Bitchiness

Disclaimer: Uhh... yeah. You know the drill.  
AN: That was a pretty long break, huh? -_-;; This chapter is actually fairly funny... Except the last bit. I've been getting used to high school and my work hasn't been as good as it could have been. In other news- just in case you thought Saturn was actually normal, let me direct you to the first part of this chapter. Believe me when I say it was going to be worse. *Much* worse. Question- do you think it would be amusing if I tossed in a parody of Silence of the Lambs? Sakura as Clarice, Eriol as everyone's favorite cannibal... It would work, right? Nevermind. Enjo~oy!  
  
COFFEE BREAK  
CHAPTER FOUR: EVIL BITCHINESS  
  
(Last chapter: Kaho and Nakuru teamed up with Kero-chan to examine Syaoran, Evil Tomoyo blantantly ripped off Spaceballs, Eriol made a dash at the tentacle monster, and SaturnOolaa appeared as a voice in the sky. So what else is new?)  
  
"Dum dum dummm..." announced the voice.  
  
"Will you stop it with the ominous music, already?" asked Shun. "It's getting incredibly annoying. I doubt that you'll really let Eriol-kun get hurt, either. You were just kidding-"  
  
Eriol swore rather thoroughly as he was tossed onto the wall. Daidouji-san sweatdropped. "Nevermind, then."  
  
"Hah." said SaturnOolaa. "Bye..."  
  
Sakura looked on wide-eyed as the battle raged on. Elthough Eriol was fighting as hard as possible, it was obvious that the tentacle monster was designed to be invincible. Her only friend in a strange place was slowly losing the fight...  
  
"Yarr!" shouted the tentacle monster, grabbing a random chunk of wall and throwing it at Eriol. Clow's incarnation slumped to the ground, battered and coughing up blood. Sakura screamed, running towards him despite Shun's warnings.  
  
She knelt by his side. "Eriol-kun!" she yelled anxiously. "Eriol-kun, are you alright?"  
  
Eriol, despite being roughly three-quarters dead, managed a mildly evil smile. "Don't worry, Sakura-san. I'm not in that much pain... People about to die don't really feel a thing, you know... I never really believed that before, but now I-" he stopped talking and coughed weakly.   
  
Specks of blood landed on Sakura's hand, which was now supporting the dying boy's head. "Eriol-kun..." she moaned. "You can't die! You can't! I'm sure you've survived worse than this, I'm totally sure! You'll get better, won't you?"  
  
"Don't worry about me..." said Eriol softly. "There's nothing you can do... please don't worry..."  
  
Sakura started to cry. "But, but Eriol-kun! This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been eaten by that lobster! You were the one who jumped in to help me... It's all my fault, Eriol-kun! I'm so sorry!"  
  
Eriol smiled at her again. "You don't need to be so formal, Sakura. I'm about to die anyway... And I'd rather die knowing that you could at least just call me by my name..."  
  
"A- alright..." sniffled Sakura. "But I'm so sorry, Eriol... Honestly, I... There's really nothing I can do?"  
  
The boy stared at her. "Well, there is one thing... My glasses are over there... Can you put them on me, please? If I have to die, I'd like to die being able to see your face... I'm sorry to be a bother, but really, Sakura... I'd like you to be the last thing I see..."  
  
Sakura broke into a fresh set of sobs. "Of course, Eriol... No trouble..." she retrieved the glasses from behind her and put them on him, tears dripping onto them. "Is that alright?"  
  
"Mm, that's fine... Thank you for everything, Sakura..." Eriol's eyes closed.  
  
"ERIOL!" screamed Sakura. The judges gave her seiyuu a 9.5 each. "ERIOOOOOOOOOOL!"  
  
Shun sniffed. "He was a good kid." he stated sadly, proving that even in this enlightened day and age the superstition exists not to speak badly of the dead.  
  
In a flash, the following things happened-  
a) The lights came back on.  
b) The warehouse repaired itself.   
c) The tentacle monster dissapeared.  
d) The workers were healed fully.  
  
Eriol's eyes opened. "Just kidding!" his said brightly.  
  
Sakura slapped him, still crying. "You jerk!" she screamed, running to the nearing exit. "You total total jerk! I thought you were gonna die! How could you-" her voice faded into the distance.  
  
There was total silence for roughly five minutes. It was broken by a random worker, with words of wisdom and might and stuff like that.  
  
"Dude, your girlfriend's hot."  
  
"*Dude*," said Eriol pointedly, "she's half your age."  
  
"Oh. Right."  
  
***  
  
"CURSES!" shrieked Evil Tomoyo.  
  
Meiling sweatdropped. "What is it, Evil Tomoyo-sama?" she asked, rolling her eyes at the black-leather clad girl's tantrum.  
  
"George-san logged off before I could get him to hand leadership of America over to me! Meiling-chan, this is so unfair!"  
  
The Chinese girl kept sweatdropping. "Um, Evil Tomoyo-sama... Why are you always plotting things involving Americans? I mean, it would probably work better if you-"  
  
"Americans are gullible, Meiling-chan." replied Evil Tomoyo. "Now keep talking and stop stuttering. I hate it when people stutter. It's very annoying."  
  
"Well, I was saying..." Meiling wondered idly if she could swim laps in the sweatdrop she was developing. "Wouldn't it just be easier to find someone very charismatic and then use *them* to take over the world?"  
  
Evil Tomoyo blinked, grinned and huggled Meiling. "That's brilliant! Go find me my notebooks and I'll look someone up! Thank you, Meiling-chan. You've just helped me a lot! ^_^"  
  
As the girl walked out of the room humming, Meiling was left thinking three thoughts: That she had to escape, that it must be very difficult to say a smiley face, and that she had just contributed to the downfall of civilization. She shrugged and went off to find some lunch.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, at the karaoke bar, the mulitude (the multitude being Kaho, Nakuru, and Kero-chan) sat around waiting for Syaoran to snap back into life. It wasn't working very well.  
  
Nakuru sighed and drummed her fingers on the table. "This is getting boring... Wish Sya-chan'd snap out of it. I wanna keep singing."  
  
"Go ahead." said Kaho mildly. "You don't have to sit here and watch him."  
  
"Yeah..." replied Nakuru. "But I should! It's funny!"  
  
Kero-chan frowned in a puzzled way at the gaki. "Well, ya know, I have an idea... Mizuki-san, the kid likes Touya, right? And who do we have here that's Touya's complete and utter opposite in every single way...?"  
  
"That makes sense!" said Kaho happily. Now she wouldn't have to be late after all. "Nakuru-san, please glomp Li-kun."  
  
"Whyyyyy?" asked Nakuru, raising an eyebrow. "Whyyyy whyyyyy whyyyyyyyyy?"   
  
Kaho winced and wished she had brought ear plugs, proving once again that... No, it doesn't prove anything. Sorry. "Just do it. It'll wake up Li-kun."  
  
"Okay!" The girl/guy/thing replied. "If it'll help, then sure." She bent down a bit, took a few steps back, then jumped and latched herself firmly to Syaoran's arm.  
  
Who woke up and started waving around, trying to get her off. "What are you *doing*?! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to try and piggyback on anyone half your height?!"  
  
"I never had a mother..." said Nakuru, drifting off into a bizzare little dreamworld but still not letting go. "I'm a poor little lamb that has lost her way... Baaaaaa... Baaaaaa..."  
  
The author would like the touch apon that fact that, while this fanfic is in definite use of some serious tragic relief (not to mention a new author), the above tragic relief will most certainly not be provided by the fact that Nakuru lacks a mother. She just felt she should touch on this. Just in case you think the RPGs that the author plays are rubbing off on her.  
  
Nakuru pouted. "Awww... there goes my chance of being anything but a shallow and two-dimentional character in this fic..."  
  
Kaho looked down at herself. "We're already 2-D, Nakuru-san."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
(Will Sakura ever forgive Eriol for the rather bitchy trick he just played? Who will Evil Tomoyo find with extreme amounts of charm? (I think I have it narrowed down, but suggestions are always welcome.) Will the Kaho/Nakuru/Kero-chan/Syaoran scenes ever become better quality writing than they are now? Some of this and not much more in the next chapter of Coffee Break!) 


	5. Love Amongst the Pinapples

Disc: You know it.   
AN: And... here you are. This chapter introduces two new mildly reoccuring characters, who will be familliar to those of you that have read CLAMP manga other than Sakura. Kind of. Anyway, I'm sorry for all the waits between chapters... Balancing two series isn't easy, huh? -_-;; So here we are. This chapter has about three paragraphs of tragic relief, just to explain the long-unanswered question- 'Why the hell is Syaoran (insert here)?' that has puzzled I don't know who. But enjoy the chapter.   
  
COFFEE BREAK   
CHAPTER FIVE: LOVE AMONGST THE PINEAPPLES   
  
(Last chapter: Eriol proformed a rather touching death scene, and then declared it was just a joke, Sakura ran off crying, Meiling unwillingly gave Evil Tomoyo a good idea, and Nakuru glomped Syaoran and brought him back into reality.)   
  
Evil Tomoyo had A Plan.   
  
It was a Good Plan, as she thought to herself. She was currently at her PC busily tracking and/or stalking several young and angsty homosexual anime characters. All she had to do was convince them that things would be a lot better in the world if she was ruler. And maybe promise to set them up with their respective love intrests. If they had any. Being evil (and just a little bit of a godmoder) had advantages.   
  
"Meiling-chan!" she called, clicking twice on the image of a normal looking brunette high schooler. "Meiling-chan, come here!"   
  
Meiling appeared on cue. She was wearing her latest clothing in a set- a rather skimpy pink bunny outfit with some *really* cute ears that Evil Tomoyo had spent *hours* sewing...   
  
The Chinese girl frowned. Of course she wanted to get out of the place, that was the entire point of her storyline... but like it or not she was getting into the routine. "Hai, Evil Tomoyo-sama?" she asked sarcastically. "What's your bidding this time?"   
  
"I want you to bring me the transportation device." replied the Evil one. "And set it for..." she checked the site again. "One Kamui Shirou and one Miyuki- well, she doesn't seem to have a last name. Oh well. And get me some pocky."   
  
Meiling, running out into the hall, muttered something under her breath about losing weight from all this. Evil Tomoyo chuckled to herself as she tapped her fingers across the keyboard of her PC. With any luck, this would work out great...   
  
"Ah." she started, as Meiling came running back with a dish of pocky and a small device that looked suspiciously like a Wish bunny. "Thank you, Meiling-chan. The Piffle Princess model always works so well for inside our own circle of characters, although of course the Tenchi model works much better for the entire multiverse... Here we go."   
  
She pressed a button, cackling to herself as a flash of light filled the room. In a few seconds both the bishounen and the schoolgirl were tossed akwardly out onto the floor.   
  
Miyuki looked around, blinking in a way that seemed to say 'oh, damn, not this again'. Kamui just stared at the floor mumbling the name of some car.   
  
***   
  
Nakuru, believe it or not, was happy. She was happy because she had always considered herself a matchmaker. Even despite the fact that none of her couples ever worked out well, she had always been sure that she could bring together anyone in the world with no (very) adverse effects. She now had a chance to prove this to the world!   
  
"Sya-chan," she said happily, pulling on his ears for some odd reason, "do you want to help me set you up with T-kun?"   
  
Syaoran turned, against most of the laws of time and space, several shades of red at once. "W-what do you mean?" he stuttered, glaring at the non-gendered being still rather firmly attacked to his back. "I'm not... I mean, I..."   
  
Nakuru brushed the repeated denials of something aside. "I'll matchmake you!" she exclaimed. "I'll get you and T-kun to fall in love and get married and have a house in the suburbs with 2.5 children and a dog and-"   
  
"2.5 children?" asked Kero-chan, sweatdropping to save his life. "They're both guys, ya know... And... why would anybody want half a kid?" Kaho, refusing to speak for fear she would burst into giggles, nodded somberly at his words.   
  
"It doesn't matter!" cried Nakuru, striking a pose. "It's all in the name of LOVE!"   
  
Syaoran blinked, blushed, frowned, and preformed many other Syaoran-like gestures of humiliation. "Erm... I dunno..." he muttered.   
  
"Of course you know!" Nakuru responded, slapping him on the back and causing him to fall over. "We're gonna set you up with T-kun, right? Aren't you happy happy happy about that?"   
  
Kaho frowned. "Nakuru-san..." she said. "Li-kun probably isn't happy right now, considering all the grave bodily harm you're doing him. You may want to give him some personal space so he isn't so scared of you."   
  
"Yeah, yeah, sure." muttered Nakuru dismissively. She did, however, more back and almost out of Syaoran's bubble. "So, Sya-chan... Wanna come to my house? We can help you win T-kun over. Kero-chan can come too! I'm sure he and Suppi-chan can have fun together!"   
  
"Eh..." Syaoran replied simply. And because the author doesn't think she's conveying very much about Syaoran's thought process, she will proceed to explain and give a bit of a PoV. Just so you don't think she's slacking off or anything.   
  
Syaoran Li had 'issues' dealing with his own feelings, but for once he thought that he might have it right. Sakura was a Very Nice Girl, and about the best friend anyone could have, but... Sooner or later that was all it came down to. He'd been crushing on a certain white-haired boy for a while because of his moon aura- and while he was certain that, in some other world, he and Sakura could have been romantically involved (cough, cough)... Syaoran had started to think that her aura might be why he had liked *her*.   
  
Touya didn't really have an aura, apart from that general surly bishouneness. And he was smart, strong, kind when he wanted to be, and didn't give a damn about what anyone else thought. He'd probably protect the whole town if he needed to, despite not looking like your atypical superhero of justice. And so... Syaoran's subconcious had decided that all this was rather meritous, and besides Syaoran looked better as an uke, and had developed him A Crush.   
  
There were hurdles. For instance, his entire rational brain, which was declaring very loudly that Touya didn't seem too found of Syaoran. Mainly because of Sakura and the fact he himself hadn't been very nice at first. And even then, his brain said snidely, the older boy would probably have to be off his rocker to chose as a romantic companion one rather small and helplessly furious Chinese gaki.   
  
So he waited. What else could he do?   
  
This train of thought has been brought to you by the Society for Tragic Relief in Lousy Comedy Fanfic. Thank you.   
  
Kaho, feeling like someone had just gone off on an inner monologue, checked her watch. "Oh!" she stated in surprise. "It's almost time for my meeting... Sorry, Nakuru-san, Li-kun... I'll catch up with you two later." Running out the door of the karaoke bar, she hurried into a nondescript office building near it and made a dash for the elevator.   
  
This was important, she thought, even as she walked into the meeting room. It had been the right thing to do to enroll. She could help others deal with their problem, and in return she could deal with her own. She strode to the front of the room, past the occupants of multiple folding chairs, and took a deep breath.   
  
"Hello." she began. "My name is Kaho, and I have a Shota Complex."   
  
"Hi, Kaho!" chorused the others.   
  
***   
  
There was more silence. It wasn't very happy silence. It was the sort of silence that happens when someone's played a really nasty practical joke, which in this case they had. Sakura could be heard sobbing in the next room down.   
  
Shun blinked for a moment. "How did you *do* that, anyway?" he asked Eriol.   
  
The boy shrugged. "I killed the tentacle monster during the break between chapters." he responded, looking in roughly the direction Sakura had dissapeared into. "Where did she go, anyway?"   
  
"I don't know." said Shun, finally snapping out of the blinking pattern. "I've never been out of Hammerspace the entire time I've been here... I was too busy. Do you think she'll be okay?" He frowned nervously. "I mean, my daughter's going to be rather sad if anything happens to Sakura-chan..."   
  
Eriol, frowning slightly, walked towards the door and gestured for Daidouji-san to follow him. "We'd better find out, ne?"   
  
Following the sounds of Sakura's crying, the pair headed down the long hall the door had let them to. It was grey, dull and looked exactly like a typical space the author didn't want to spend time describing. Sakura was huddled next to an elevator at the end of the corridor. Eriol sat down beside her.   
  
"Are you alright?" he asked her.   
  
Sakura, eyes red-rimmed from her tears, turned to look at him. "What do you mean 'am I alright'?" she asked angrily. "I thought you were going to die! I was... so sad, and... how could you do something like that? How *could* you?"   
  
Eriol took a hankerchief from his pocket and handed it to her. "Sakura..." he began. "I'm not going to say it wasn't a cheap trick. It was, and I'm very sorry. Can you forgive me?"   
  
The author would like to point out that she herself would not have accepted this apology. However, Sakura is a very angelic girl and thus wiped her tears and managed a faint smile. "I... guess so."   
  
"Good!" Eriol sprang up and offered her a hand. "Let's go up this elevator, Sakura... I have a feeling we're getting closer to getting out of the shark."   
  
As the two children stepped into the elevator, Shun frowned. "She only let you call her that because you were dying..." he muttered before joining them.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED...   
  
(What? Kamui and Miyuki? Will *they* really help Evil Tomoyo take over the world? How will Nakuru set Syaoran up with Tou- sorry, T-kun? Who are the others members of Kaho's "Shotacon Fans Anonymous" branch? Where will Sakura, Eriol and Shun land next? Do I even know... Read the next chapter of Coffee Break to figure it out, fool!) 


End file.
